Stupid is as Stupid does...

I'm going to try to remember some of the things I've done while drunk or high. Only to remind me of where I've been. I'm sure this is a short list. There is no way possible to remember everything I've done.
Where to start?
*While working at "the camp" I went out at lunch time and smoked a fattie with some co-workers. I spent the next two hours working without realizing I had a rather large bud stuck to my shirt. Nobody noticed?
*I know of countless times I should of been pulled over but wasn't. Four (that I remember) times I was pulled over, completely shit faced and PASSED the breathalyzer. How? I don't know...
*Most the time when I got drunk, I got crazy ideas in my head. Like getting drugs, or looting abandoned houses. Most certainly driving. I drove crazy...... speeding, reckless, I should have been dead. Thank God I didn't kill anyone.
Um what else?
*Ditching my car and walking home, 12 pack I went to get in hand. Finishing that and taking my totaled car back to the store to get more beer. The radiator was busted so I ran outta antifreeze on the way home. Called my 14 year old stepson to come tow me home.
*My first time drinking Wild Irish Rose. I was still living at home. My sister was living there too. We went into town and saw one of my "friends" walking. Ended up buying us some W.I.R. and he went home with me. I drank so much I felt sick. I don't remember if I threw up or not, I just wanted to sleep. I remember him trying to work my pants down and well.... I kept rolling over and trying to sleep. He kept trying. Never successful, and I never spoke to him again. I swore off that shit. The smell of it makes me sick.
*My first time trying Tequila. I was up at this 30 yr. old's house, I was probably between 14-16. His neighbor across the hall was someone I knew also. I was already drunk on beer and started drinking the Tequila. Wooo Doggie!! Never again on that stuff either! I spent the night on his cool bathroom tile. Taking turns sleeping and puking my guts out. I woke up several times on the rim of the toilet. Yuck! Never, and I repeat, NEVER get that drunk at a bachelors house again! The toilet is enough to make you sick without the alcohol!

The alcohol is not the problem folks! It's all these damn other people! Really, I think... ( i know it's me and this disease)
Most often I set out to get drunk. I usually didn't tell myself I could have a few. When I do set out to have a few, it never ends with me saying "ok, thats it folks, I've had enough" and me trotting away happy. No Way.
*One time, when I only went to have a few at my favorite bar of all time. I was completely over served. I followed some guy home, realized I wasn't comfortable there and left. When I woke up I was sitting at an intersection with the car in park, hanging out the door vomit all over myself, my car, and the road. Some lady was shaking me, (she happen to be a bartender from a neighboring town on her way home from work) telling me to wake up. I heard another lady in another car saying she should call the police. Anyway, the bartender took me home and gave me coffee and woke her husband up to drive me home. It happen to be 37 miles away. Bless their hearts.
*Another night, same place. I met a guy there that wanted us to get a room. I knew he was married and I hate cheaters so............ I followed him on the way to a motel. He stopped along the way to pee. I told him to give me the money to go ahead and get us a room and I would be waiting for him. I pulled out with a few hundred dollars, his phone, and something else....don't remember what right offhand. I left in such a hurry, I backed into something and smashed the back of my car. But I showed him huh?
*I stopped at my X's house to see about getting my dads ladder that I left there. He was cool with it, but his new GF wasn't. It was a second story apartment. I walked up the steps and stood in the doorway, saying hello to a neighbor who happened to be over there. His girlfriend was telling me to leave, but who the fuck was she right? So I stood there talking and she jumped up and ran over and pushed me backward down the steps. Knocked me out, my broken glasses tore gashes in my face and broke my tailbone. I might of had better reflexes if I weren't drunk. At least taken her down with me.

Tip of the ice burg. I'm sick of remembering. Anyone got any too-drunk-to-function stories? I know some of you on my list have these topped. Lets hear em!