Commitment

I have been meaning to blog daily. A six day gap is hardly everyday.

I had a great talk with Kylee. We went for a walk and I explained how hard it was for me to get over to see her often. She's been thinking that I'm making excuses not to come over. Like when my car broke down. Or an unforeseen appointment came up. I also have to build a wall to separate a large bedroom into two. That way Damon and I wont have to share a room any longer.

My nephew came to help me, and somehow managed to cut all the studs a half inch too short. So, I don't know yet whether I want to put up a wall that is short, or go buy new studs? I'm leaning for the short wall. I'll just tack the hell outta the sides instead of the ceiling and cover the gap with trim.

Before building the wall, I discovered I had to lay a new floor (It was rotting). I also got some carpets to lay down in three (maybe four) rooms. AND paint for most of the house. SO, I have my work cut out for me.

Back to work......

Starting over

Ok, 1 day sober! Although I only fell off the wagon once. I have to start a new sobriety date. So... 1 day. What a setback! Thats good though, because that's motivation to not do it again.

I am bummed though. I got my new support order in the mail yesterday. They will be deducting $130.00 weekly from my check. Thats almost what I pay in gas a week. Guess whats left after that? $25.00! Yeah, you read that right! Rediculous! I finally understand why men quit their jobs when slapped with a support order. It is no longer worth it. Even when (if) I get my 4cylinder car running again, It still easily uses $60 in gas. Leaving me only $90!

However, I am NOT quitting my job. I will have to figure something else out...... sigh.


"Take a risk. You have the power within to move mountains."
~Cheryl Richardson

Lesson learned

I fell off the wagon last night. Well actually the last couple of nights. I am kicking myself. In AA they tell you to pick yourself up and dust off and jump back on the wagon. Dont beat yourself up for it. Its bound to happen. So I was expecting it, and also not expecting it at the same time.

I did not drink to the point of intoxication though. Just enough to get tipsy. And a little slurred. Not that it really makes a difference. The goal is to not drink anything. But, I am holding my head high today. I know that I made a mistake and its not a major one. I didn't do anything harmful in a drunken stupor. Today is a new day, and that is what I am focusing on.

"Think BIG, there are unseen forces ready to support your dreams."
-Cheryl Richardson

You learn something new everyday

I have always known that alcoholism was a disease. Lots of people will argue that, but once you have been there you know its true. Yesterday, I heard the phrase, "Its a family disease". I had never thought of it that way.
Actually listening to my children tell me how they felt when I was drinking has had a big impact on me. Almost as much so as my drinking had on them. I thought I was doing everything the same as when I was sober, just with a beer in my hand. I had not understood how dissapointed they were in me. How left out they felt. To them, the beer was more important than they were. And while thats sounds obsurd to me, they are right.
The first month of sobriety was easy for me. I think it was because my kids were freshly removed. But now that my emotions, thoughts, and routines have settled back to "normal", I have a hard time filling in the gaps when I would normally drink. Keeping myself busy and dealing with my craving is the best thing to do, but with dysthymia (chronic depression), I lack the motivation to actually busy myself.
I have started by moving in very slow steps. Like, while watching tv, at commercial, Ill take the trash to the door. Then next commercial, I'll run a bag out. Same next commercial, then with the last bag, light it. (It has been raining for two weeks here so I had a lot of trash). Sounds lazy, perhaps I have become so, but it got the job done. It was a minor accomplishment, but a necessary one to start down my new sober life.

I have 4 bushes to plant, I've had them for a month just sitting there. Perhaps, I will start on those next. One a day maybe?

Blog 2 Win a Wii and Wii fit game!!

Hop over to Citymama's blog
http://citymama.typepad.com/citymama/2008/05/who-wants-a-nin.html#more
to win a Nintendo Wii along with a Wii fit game.
All you have to do is blog about your most embarrassing fitness story. Lucky you if you don't have one of those!!
I have a few, but I think this one is the best (worst).

My Embarrissing (I'm-bare-ass-ing) Story...
I have always been overweight. I am one of those girls who are too embarrassed about their size to go to a club where all the skinny b*tches are showing off their bodacious bods. I tend to stay at home and go for walks or bounce rediculously around my house to an exercise tape(I should really put up some curtains)! Well, for some reason I was having a bold moment and signed up for a trial membership to a gym. My son was about 3 yrs old or close there-of, and I left him in the daycare while I went to fumble around with the new-to-me equipment. Well, I tried a few things and thought maybe I would have more luck with a stationary bike(I think thats what it was).
Anyhow, I was doing pretty good on the thing, making eye contact with fellow healthnuts (lol) smiling, waving "Hello" and so on. I must have started going too fast or perhaps it was just a moment of awkwardness. Somehow my feet left the pedals and with myself still pedaling (it happened fast) I catapulted myself off to one side. However, my britches were caught on the seat, I fell to the ground (all but my ass) and was hanging for a brief moment before my shorts gave way and ripped the entire back out. All the way down the seem, and across the butt and diagonal....you name it. The back of my britches were blew the heck out! I got myself off somehow, I could hear the snickers as I ran to the locker room. One guy couldn't hide it and was in full blown floor banging kicking cackeling mode. (I'm sure if I turned around he would have been laying there doing that too). Being a novice, I wore my workout clothes to the gym, so I didn't have a bag, or a change of clothes. Just my purse, which was too small to cover the wreck.

And now comes the embarrassing part....
I stayed in there for a few minutes leaning against the wall and deciding what to do. Did I mention I don't wear panties? Well, yeah it gets worse! I have to get my son outta there and bee line it for the parking lot. I toyed breifly with the idea of going through lockers trying to find something that would fit or something I could tie around my waist. But I couldn't bring myself to do that. So..... nothing to it but to take a deep breath and make a run for it right? Wrong!
I get down to the daycare room and while standing in the door, trying futiley to cover my rump-a-roo with my hands/purse. My little angle refuses to leave from across the room, I plead that I will buy him anything he wants if he comes now. That works and he leaves yelling at the top of his lungs what he would like me to buy him. Now that he has everyones attention on the way down the hall... he is Be-Bopping behind me when he yells "OOHH, Mommy I can see your Boom Boom! Mommy, you should cover that up! Why is your Boom Boom out? Mooommmy, you have little red dots on your Boom Boom, there's a lot of them Mommy." I try saying don't worry about it, we have to hurry to the car. I can hear more snickering and I think some of the people who watched me take the spill had followed for the rest of the action. My son without missing a beat, says, "Why are you sick? Oh, you don't want people to see your Boom Boom" We are almost at the door, I have to stop to let a group of people heard through. My son had scurried up for a closer look at my butt, apparantly he was fascinated. All of a sudden he yells "MOMMY!! You have hair on your Butt!" I feel my knees getting weak, I feel like I could pass out, or pee my pants. That was the last I could take, I swoop him up and run for the car. I have
NEVER GONE TO THE GYM AGAIN!!

I feel safer bouncing around awkwardly to my videos.

lets revisit today

Growing up seems like a dream. Some memories play through my head stongly while others pop in to say "Hi", and scare the fuck outta me.
Some that play strongly though my head, are of my mother screaming at me with that exorcist tone "You have the devil in you kid!" That phrase alone is the only one that sticks out. However there was lots more.
Another one is of Mom and Dad arguing. Dad was always drunk when he came home (late) from work. The first words outta her mouth were always "Where the hell have you been?", And then "Dont lie to me you bastard!" Then the arguing would carry on into the night. Most nights I would lie awake in bed with my stomach in knots, feeling like I would throw up. I would wait for things to start crashing and then sneak down the steps to make sure they weren't hurting each other.(Did they really think I could sleep through all of that?) I always hoped that one of them wouldnt die that night.
I used to have the same recurring dreams (nightmares) when I was young. No suprise that they were anxiety filled. One was of me hiding under the tailgate of my dads old truck crying, there were Teridactyls(sp) flying around our house swooping down towards my dad. He was waving his arms trying to get them to leave. I was terrified they were going to kill him. I would always wake up sweating and crying. Another one was of mom and I standing out behind the train cars (there were three lining one side of our property), we were between the cars and the field. I picked up a rock (I can remember the look and feel of the rock perfectly) and I threw it at my mom. It hit her in the face and slid her whole face to the side of her head. It's not gory, I dont see any blood just her face on the side of her head. She is shaking her hands and making a sound something like moaning. I feel scared and sorry, then I wake up.
I know, my mind is a piece of work right?

Well it's been a week since I have posted. Seems like things just keep getting worse for me. I think God is trying to see how much I can handle. All three of my vehicles broke down. Got one fixed and it broke down again last night. Popped the halfshaft out of it when I was trying to take off too fast. Didn't know that could happen. OOOps.

Things have been going so so with my kids. Kylee still gets her attitudes with me. Damon is just kinda ho-hum. I have been playing the questions game on myspace with Kylee. We take turns asking and answering each others questions in an attempt to get to know one another better.
So far it has been pretty fun.

Thats all for now. I'm pretty ho-hm myself today.

I'm getting frustrated

Why is when you think things are going well and you start to get your hope and sense of self back, that something comes along and tries to knock you down?
When you haven't had your head above water very long, its pretty damn easy to drown.

My daughter is really confusing me. I have been reading the discovery that my lawyer gave me. The stuff my daughter has been saying is enough to make my blood pressure go through the roof. (Lies, Lies, Lies) Does she hate me? Is she trying to control the situation? Maybe trying to get back at me?

Get this, my daughter told the CPS that I gave her and her friend alcohol at her b-day party! I wouldnt even do that if they were 18. I have kicked minors outta my house before for bringing alcohol or comming over intoxicated. She even went so far as to say it was vodka and a red juice. I dont drink vodka, I don't like vodka. I am a beer person. Damn girl, WTF?

AND (yes there is more), she told Holly and Allen (her foster parents and my friends) that I didn't like the way they were raising their 3 yr old and that she over heard me planning to go kidnap him and take him to Tennessee!! Again, WTF girl/

This is hard enough already without her adding all of that....

I am seriously concerned about her. Her thoughts, her mental health. Is she one of those people that cant stop lying? A pathelogical liar I think its called?

I have a feeling its going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

I have never wanted a beer more than this week!!

Who's on my side?

One thing I have found out for sure. While going through all this, you definately get confused as to who you can trust and who you cant.
My lawyer got the discovery back, which was full of all the conversations that have taken place. Conversations between the Children Services and the kids dads, myself, my ex, my friend who has the kids and so on. So anyway, I get a copy of this and have taken about an hour to read it. By the time I am done, I am lost somewhere between pissedville, and seetherland.
There are definately different people in my life. People who want to help me. People who want to screw me. People who want to see me get help for myself. People who care, and people who don't.
I found that I was mistaken about who was who.

I sit here wondering how much of what the children services wrote about their interactions with everyone was wrong because they had misunderstood the info that was given them, or perhaps mixed up some info. For example there was a statement in there made that said, Kylee didn't have any underwear and didn't know what size she wore because she usually just wears mine.
HUH!!!!!!!!!! EERRRRRRRR! Hit the brakes. Did I read that right. Um, yeah. First of all, I am a 240 lb fat ass, and she is a 120 lbs bean pole. Second, I haven't worn underwear since I was pregnant with Kylee and haven't had a pair in the house in over 10 years!!! WTF, where did that come from. Is my child dilusional, or is the CPS making shit up, or what the hell did they misunderstand? Also, was in there that the kids told CPS that we don't usually have supper... OK again, WTF, that is all I do is work, come home, make dinner, go to bed over and over and over.
AND (yes there is more, tons more), Kylee told them that she doesn't have any blankets or sheets at home and she has to sleep on the couch. Ok, deep breath, calm, mellow, SCREAM!!!!!
She has a bed and sheets and blanket and pillows. (more pillows and blanket than anyone elseI might add). AND the whole family usually sleeps in the living room in the winter because its warmer and saves on propane. This year, I let that girl bring her entire bed into the living room for the entire winter. Couch my ass!!!! She is the ONLY one who had a bed all winter. GRRRR, sometimes I wonder what goes through her head.

Of course, some people who I thought were my friends gave an opinion of me that made me and my family look like trash. Just when I have a good day. It gets bashed all to hell.

Lets get to the fun shit now. I have three vehichles. One is down with a busted brakeline. The 2nd one yesterday had the caliper tie up on it, so I hop in my Bronco to gas it up and the damned transmission goes out of it. Once again, SCREAM! When it rains it pours, and when the suns out, a darn ole cloud covers just my house.

It has to get better right? Can't get any worse? We shall see.
How much easier it would be to run away and start anew somewhere else........

ZZZZzzzzzzzz.......

What an ugly rainy day. I'm just blah....
I noticed that I have only ever gotten one comment.
Does nobody love me?
Nobody knows what to say?
Most likely I just dont have any readers. lol
Thats o.k. I am happy keeping track of my daily woes in a public place. (even if nobody reads it) It feels kinda naughty!

I am craving chinese take out. I can smell it. Taste it. My mouth salivates just thinking about it. I had chinese last night even. This is nothing new. I crave it everyday.
I think they must put cocaine or something in it. Just enough to keep you comming back for more. "Dude, this chinese shit is the bomb! Lets go get some more man!"

My kids love it too. I bought some last night and took over to have dinner with them. I also took a fortune cookie for everyone in the house. We had a blast pronouncing (trying) the ''learn chinese" words.

Slow down, Breathe....Breathe...

O.K. I am breathing again (for the time being). I talked to my counselor on Wednesday and she put me at ease. I went in like a babbling idiot and came out with a little confidence.
I started out our conversation with "OMG my daughter hates me, she doesn't want to come home, she is in love with my (almost) stepson who took advantage of her, she wants to live with Holly, should I let her go? How do I let her go, should I fight for my son, how can I fight for him and not her? What do I do? Damon is doing better at this new school and they are trying to say now that it was his home life that was the problem before." And there was more I'm sure.

She sat back and smiled that smile she has. And said, "First of all, you don't have to decide any of that right now." Her words of wisdom continued, and worked there magic. WHEW!!!

I thought It would be hopeless to try to repair my relationship with Kylee (although I am determined) in time for her to come home AND be happy at home. Thinking about it now, what was so bad about home anyway? She is 13 and confused.

My therapist ( I know I called her counselor earlier, but I like the sound of therapist better) made a reminder for me to hang up that sums up our session. It says...

1. I love my children and am willing to do whatever it takes to get them home.
2. I need to focus on things that I can do to improve my relationship with my children, especially Kylee.
3. I have made some poor decisions in the past but that does not make everything I've done for my children a failure. I've made positive choices trying to improve my relationship with them like Strengthening Families.
4. Damon was having difficulty at school because of problems getting school to follow through with his IEP.
5. I don't need to worry about where my children want to live. I need to focus on making sure that everything I do gets me closer to my goal of having them home.

She told me to start by telling Kylee that I don't feel like we have the kind of relationship that I would like to have with her and I want to know what she thinks we can do to improve it.

So I did that. Kylee was responsive and sounded like she wanted to hear that. There's the first step. Now to continue to think of ways to connect.

Strengthening Families was a summer long program that our family went to last year. It focused on just what the name of the class is. The very first thing we learned was... 1. Tell each of your children everyday at least 3 things that you noticed them doing that made you proud. 2. Spend at least 15 minutes one on one with each child, doing only what they want to do, without correcting what they are doing 'wrong" in your eyes. Simple enough right? It did make a world of difference in our day to day life. The kids felt better about themselves and I felt like a more positive parent. Only, after the class is over, those things kinda start to fade and old ways take over.
She also put me to the challenge of finding out who I am. Good question right? I have been a parent since I was 17. I don't know what or who else to be. I am lost without the kids at home. I don't know what to do with myself. So my new goal is to write everyday, aside from here, about things that I am and things I want to be. Things I want to do. Things I like. I haven't started yet. But today is as good as any!

So for the time being, I have some relief and some hope. I am breathing slowly again. My puffy eyes, from crying so much, have gone back to looking almost human. My headache is gone.