Growing Up Crazy: Wow, what now?

Growing Up Crazy: Wow, what now?

Wow, what now?

OK, yesterday was a learning experience. My thoughts are completely jumbled. I had a long heart to heart with Holly. She explained how she is in a hard place because I am her friend, and we have no secrets. However she has been given the responsibility of fostering my children and their best interest is her main concern. She has been talking with Kylee a lot. I am so relieved that Kylee found someone she can trust and tell all to, but WHOA!!! Hold the boat here.....



Holly laid shit on me last night that smacked me across the face and stopped my heart. Kylee doesn't want to come home. She has the same kind of love for me that I have for my mom. There was never anything there. I love her cause I "have" to. She says that I am a pretty good friend but not really a mother. She feels like I care more about her brothers than her. Kylee wants to stay with Holly forever she said. She said she likes being there and being part of a family. And having a Dad (Allen).



I know thats what my little girl has always wanted was a "nuclear family". I haven't been able to find it. All these years I was semi proud of myself for rising above. My mom and sister are mentally disturbed, my dad was an alcoholic, my life sucked growing up, I have been making adult decisions since I was 8 at least maybe younger. I know I didn't learn how to be a good mom. But I have been pretty damn proud of myself for surviving all that and being able to provide for my kids, and I was thrilled that I didn't "catch" the mental illness. I thought I was showing them responsibility by working everyday (not that I have a choice), paying bills and not spending frivolously and at the same time splurging on family outings occasionally. I was proud!!!



Until last night. What a smack in the face. She doesn't want to come home. All of it was for nothing. I didn't do good enough. I FAILED. I have felt it for years. I have been losing my daughter. She and I are lacking a bond. She basically has said that the only reason she wants to come home is because she is in love with Jasons son Cody. I found out that her and Cody has had sex. And that she wants to do whatever it takes to be with him. She is convinced that I will still have Jason around and that she will have access to Cody. And if I dont, she will run away, or make up stories so she can get out again.



Kylee doesn't like her brother much. She told Holly that she wants Damon to go home and she wants to stay. Holly said when Kylee knows I'm comming she turns into a completely different person. She gets mean with her brother. She gets an attitude and goes back to being sweet when I'm gone.



I thought Kylee was getting to the age that we could be "girls" together. Have great mother daughter time and boy was I misinformed! So what do I do now? Do I fight for her? We cant rebuild overnight what has taken years to ruin. At 13 she is not going to go through her teenage years and forgive me while she is confused and emotional. I dont think its too late to form a relationship with her. But I know that it is too late to raise her. I have already ruined her life and lost her. So do I let her go? I want her to be happy. I want her to have a chance. Do I fight for Damon? he and I have a bond. We get along and have fun together. When I have both together, its a chaotic mess. They act like they hate each other. They fight and compete over who is going to breath first!! How do I let Kylee go without her thinking I just dont want her. How do I take Damon back. How do I present that to children services without sounding like a total hateful bitch. Of course I want my little girl. But Kylee has made it clear that I haven't done good enough. I just want her to be happy. I want Damon to be happy.

I found a sponsor!

OK, I've been MIA fo a few days. Not a lot has happened.

I went to my chemical dependancy assesment yesterday. She was very nice and was very undecided where to put me (in what class). She said I was right on the line?? She asked me lots of questions about my usage, my feeling and my upbringing. This is old news, I've been down this road many times in the recent past with the CPS the councelor, my lawyer and so on. I've got the responses memorized almost verbatim. After all, I cant give two different stories.

She decided that I should be in the class entitled, stepping into sobriety. Its for someone that has a drinking habit and teaches usefull info about alcohol useage. I dont mind, I love learning new things and taking informational classes. This probably isn't the way to go about it but C'est La Vie! I did learn something new yesterday. Taking antidepressants quadruples the effects of alcohol!! WHAT? Hmmm, no wonder it doesn't take me ( a seasoned drinker) much to get tipsy!
The class also requires me to go to 1 AA meeting a week which isn't a problem.

Good New!! I found a sponser! My cousins girlfriend is a recovering alchie and when I showed up there a little drunk on Friday, (ok a lot) she offered to help me. What a great gal! For your info, I continued drinking while I was there and ended up asking them to take me home. I did call them a few days later and thank them for putting up with my drunk ass. And to check in with my new sponsor.

I saw the kids on Saturday. We watched Mannequinn (sp) and made milkshakes that didn't require ice cream. Damon got an A in reading. Actually it was a double A? Have you seen that? She put two A's on top of his paper. Must be really good. lol
Anyway, this school for kids with ADHD and learning difficulties is great I think. I wish this school district here would adapt a little more. I have been fighting tooth and nail to get him a little extra help here.

Well readers, all one or.... none of you. Aww hell, thanks for listening laptop.

What happens now?

My visit with the kids went well last night. We talked and hung out. Damon sat on my lap. He was heavy! He gained 12 pounds. Holly said her rule is eating at least half of whats on his plate. Where normally he only picks at his plate at home. He ate potatoes! Thats a big deal, this boy insists that he doesn't like potatoes. (Except fries of course)

Holly took them to the doctor yesterday. Kylee got 5 shots and a TB test. Damon just got the TB test. They gave her the Gaurdisil (sp) shot to prevent cervical cancer. I am kinda up in the air about that. I still haven't decided weather I wanted her to have it or not. On one hand its a wonderful thing. But it's relatively new, and the long term effects are not known yet.
When the chicken pox vaccine came out, I jumped on it and got it for Kylee. However, I wasn't told at that point that she would have to get the vaccine every 10 years or so for the rest of her life because it wears off and as an adult chicken pox is life threatening.

Lets just hope that there never comes any complications from this shot. Who has the right to make her health care decisions? They are still my kids, I still have rights. But I'm not going to make a stink about this. The goal is to get my kids back. Not to make trouble.

So what happens now? Its a game of hurry up and wait. They have been gone two weeks today and the only thing that has happened is... nothing! A couple of court dates for custody. A lot of bitching at me. And then, nothing. If I haven't drank. Jason is not there, then what is the problem? I want them back now. There is no need for them to stay away. I am not a danger to them! But thats how they make me feel.

Idle hands are the devils handiwork

I think the biggest thing that has changed since the kids have been gone is all the extra time I have on my hands. I am living just to take care of myself. There is a first for everything I guess.

I get home from work to an empty (and clean) house. I don't know what to do. There is PLENTY that needs done, but I keep saying, "it will be there tomarrow".
Usually when I get home, I start right away on supper. I have only made supper twice in the last two weeks now. I think that I should spend some time on myself perhaps. Take some head clearing walks. Get some exercise, lose some weight.

My goal is to be able to keep the same chore and discipline and reward routine when the kids come home as they have now. I wont be able to do that if I am still a mess. I have still not drank to get drunk. But I find the urge for alcohol creeping in everyday. Just before all this happen I had gotten a taste for the Sparks energy/alcohol drinks. Now I crave them. I dont want yucky beer, I want this tasty alternative. I cannot drink enough of those to get buzzed though. But I find myself drinking them anyway. Still not a good idea. I am sure that even though I am not tipsy from them, that the CPS would still use it against me.

I had been taking a new depression medication for the past 5 months or so. They seem to be helping. This is the FIRST one that has helped in ten + years. Of course I hit a big downhill spiral when they took my kids. They left me feeling hopeless and helpless and worthless and lifeless and, well you got the idea.

I hope things improve soon.

Keeping it positive

The most important thing about visits with the kids is keeping it positive. Not talking about whats going on. The kids tell me that they like their new school. Damon is in a school just for kids with learning disabilities. (slow reading and writing and such). Kylee says she is popular at her new school. With spring being here, we can easily talk about the things we can do this summer. Well, I do most of the talking, they usually have the negative stuff to say about it.

I know Holly can see the desperation in my eyes when I keep getting hit with their sharp tongues. It is hard sometimes to come up with things to keep talking about to fill my visits. I stayed for about 3 hours on Sunday. I still wasn't feeling 100 percent. So I mostly sat on the ground and watched Damon skate. Kylee didn't come outside with me until it was about time to eat so she had to go right back in. She mostly hung in the house watching tv. Maybe next time she will hang out a little more.

Growing up

I have been absolutely sick the last few days. I am beginning to wonder if its bronchitis or pneumonia. I haven't been able to see the kids. I haven't been able to do anything! I go to work, come home and lay down.

Yesterday I saw my lawyer. She seems to thinks she can get the neglect charge dropped. And then I would plead guilty to the charge of dependant. Which means I drink to the point of intox in front of the kids. She said as long as I can complete all their requirements she can petition the court to get my kids back as early as next month. Yay!!!

Well I say yay but.... I just got off the phone with the kids, Its just like any other Saturday that I'm at work, they are fighting, crying, cussing, and hurting each other. I am instantly pissed. I ask where Allen was (Holly is at the store), he's outside. So I hang up and call Allen to let him know whats going on. My blood is still boiling! They are so mean and disrespectful its not even cool. My first thought is, I WANT A BEER!!! I know, all my fault right?

How do I fix what I obviously didn't know how to do in the first place?

Has just occurred to me, I haven't had a hard time not drinking since they have been gone. Those kids are a huge source of stress for me. Often times when I go get a beer, its because the kids are driving me crazy. I know its my fault. Obviously I didn't know how to raise them well enough to make them decent respectful people.

Lets go back to why that may be. I grew up with a crazy mom. Literally. She used to rock and shake her hands. She would scream at me like she were possessed and say "you have the devil in you kid" I spent most of my childhood wedged in between my mom and dad while they were pushing each other and shouting. This was nightly. I used to get sick to my stomach at the end of the school day because I knew I would have to go home. My mom called me all kinds of names. Whore, Bitch, Slut, she accused me of drinking and doing drugs and having sex (this started when I was 12). Where was I doing all this? School?
So my retaliation eventually was to go along with it. I would scream back, I f*cked the whole damn football team all while shooting up drugs and drinking straight from the keg. I got really nasty at times. Saying everything I could think of until she was speechless. That was the goal after all. Because she never stopped. She would wake me up in the middle of the night at 14 and tell me to go get her cigarettes!! OK.... There is more, but this is a blog, not a novel.

So I would drive into town, without license, and knock on friends doors until I could find someone that could get mom smokes. It was a breeze passing my driving exam by the way.

My dad died when I was 11 so I was stuck with that crazy witch all by myself. Now she stays with me and it eats me alive everyday! She has had a stroke since and doesn't remember any of it. So I'm stuck with an abusive past all by myself. She doesn't remember, she doesn't even believe she could have done those things. Therefor, we can't even work this out in counceling. Now I am taking care of her. The person who abused, neglected, failed to teach guide or love. She never even told me she loved me until I was 13, and that is because a buddy in the same grade as me sat down with us and said she was going to mediate a session. Bless her heart. Mom finally said it. What ever she said worked! As much as I hated that woman, I couldn't help but cry when I heard those words. Of couse things didn't get better from there. But that was a moment in a time when everything else is a blur.

Making sense of my new roll

I'm starting to put myself back together. The first 5 days, I was a mess. Day 6-9 I am kind of lost. At first I didn't know what to do without my kids around. All I had ever done has been for my kids. Work, come home, do homework, make dinner, bedtimes, get up and do it all over. All while trying to fit in some fun activities. I never did understand how "soccer moms" had time for it all.

I have had the responsibility of children since I was 17. Now that all of a sudden I don't.... I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't made dinner since they have been gone. Low and behold I haven't had to clean either, because no one is there to mess it up! So I'm stuck, what do I do? I have to admit that I sometimes feel what I can only explain as freedom. Like a breath of fresh air. I know the kids are in a good place. I know that they are safe and happy, and I know that Holly and Allen are doing a better job with them than I have ever done. I feel.... relief.

All of a sudden now I have no responsibility. I have never known what this feels like. I have never had time to spend on myself, money to spend on myself, a house that didn't need cleaned everyday. There are less dishes, less laundry, less fighting, less.... well less everything.

So now I worry that this will spoil me. Will I know how to take care of them when they come home? Will I resent the "burden" they put on me? They are perfect angels at Holly's. Will they go back fighting about chores and homework with me?

In the meantime untill I figure out what I am supposed to do with myself, I am looking to better myself. Not drinking can only help. But, I have come to realize that I am going to need some meds for my back pain. When you stay drunk, you don't feel the pain. ( I have fractured tailbone, fused vertabrae, slipped disc, and a deteriorating neck.)

Maybe I can spend the evenings walking and get rid of this extra weight!

OOOpS

I just wrote a really long entry.... didn't save it and lost my internet connection. AAAARRGH!
Entire thing gone!

Im not going to write it all again. I'll post tomarrow.
I go see the kids today.

GOOD NEWS! I sat around last night, not really wanting a beer, but feeling like I should drink because thats what I usually do. So I went and bought one. I only took a few drinks and dumped it. It didn't taste good. Relief wasn't found in the bottom of that can last night. I only hope its this easy all the time.

Continued

I called CPS early the next morning and left a message requesting they move my children to my dear friends house. They also happen to be the people who adopted my youngest son. (I felt at that time in my life that I couldn't support another child).

She checked into it and fortunately able to get the paperwork, home visit, and background checks through before evening, and the kids were able to go there the same night! They were so happy to be there.

I owe Holly (my friend) immensely!!!!!! After she picked them up, we met at my local Ryans for dinner. I was thrilled to be able to see them and have dinner. It was a nice happy time and parting wasn't so hard. Once again I wanted that beer on the way home. Once again I resisted!!!
Yay me! My thinking at that point was, my children were more important. That line of thought was working.

I went on Saturday to see the kids, I stayed from about 4:30 to 10:30 pm. It was awkward. Usually, my whole family goes over to visit. This time I was going to visit my family. They were somber. I took over most of the meat in my freezer to help them out since I wouldn't have to be cooking such large meals. We ate dinner together, played cards and talked. Watched some TV. I held Kylee for a long time. She was sad.

Holly confided in me that Kylee had a talk with her earlier. I dont know if she told me everything, but she told me enough. The basic jist of it was that my daughter wanted out. Away from me. She didn't feel like she had a mom. I told Holly that I had never felt that bond with her the way I should have. That doesn't mean I dont love her. Kylee has told four people, four different stories (foster mom, Holly, CPS, me). I wondered for a while if maybe I could discredit her. After all, my sister and my mom have serious mental problems. I thought with her being 13, it was possible that she was showing some dillusion. But I dont think that will matter. Point being, she is obviously unhappy. She also confessed that she has had sex once! WHAT?? With who? When? OMG!!! Is this another lie?

I found out that the school is the one who called CPS. Apparantly Kylee had a talk with the councelor about my drinking. Along with the fact that she had missed so many days of school. About 5 because I drank too much the night before and didn't get them to bed in time. Then couldn't get them up in the AM. The rest a combo of her being sick, and her not wanting to go and saying she was sick.

This brings me to why they took them. Back in October of last year, my bf Jason, also an alchie, and I got in a fight. He packed his shit, put it in the car and said he was leaving. He had a gun and put it to his head. Kylee got scared and called her Grandma to come get her. Grandma doesnt like he or I. Grandma calls cops, says he put a gun to kids head and said he would shoot them if they didn't leave. BULLSHIT. However this is on record now and CPS said, no more Jason around kids. They told me if he came back, I needed to call them or they would take my kids. Well when he got out of jail, he came back, I didn't call. My kids are gone.

I had bailed him out in December. He was supposed to go to court in January, so I thought we could get away with it until then. However, court was delayed over and over until May. He is looking at 5 years for having a weapon under disability. They are gonna hang him with that BULLSHIT comment. I feel bad for him. He has a great heart. The best I've ever dated.

The night I lost my kids we talked and decided it was best that he leave. He is living in a pop up camper in his friends back yard. He is sick as a dog, and just exsisting until his court date.

I have been ordered to stay away from him. They are going to make me take a breathalizer daily for two years. The place I need to go for this doesn't open until 8am. I go to work at 7. I don't know how I am going to work this out. I also need to complete counceling. I called on Friday to set up everything myself, before they ordered me to. I thought this would look better to them. But I'm not getting any high 5's, let me tell ya.

A new beginning

On April 9th 2008, I got a call at work from Children services. They were at my house and were removing my children and wanted me home right away. Imagine my supprise. I didn't know why they were there, but I knew why they were taking them. I'll explain all that later.

I was outraged and scared. I thought for certain I would be going to jail that night. I wanted to take them and run. Or knock the shit out of the bitch taking them. When I got there a sence of imending doom and helplessnes came over me. I pleaded with her. I cried and hugged them. They packed a (very small) bag and were gone. In front of my neighbors. In front of God. In front of me.

How worthless and trashy I felt. How could I lose my kids? I am a good mother. I work everyday. I take care of the house. They have everything they need. Hell, they are pretty spoiled for a family below the "poverty line". I had scoffed at people that had lost their kids in the past. Thinking, they must be terrible people.... or trash, irresponsible, stupid... I mean COME ON PEOPLE... how hard is it to keep your kids!!!!

I was put in my place soon enough.

After I watched them pull away, waving till I couldn't see the car anymore, I jumped in my car and went for a 12 pack. Loaded up the car with laundry and proceeded to the laundo lux(I have a washer and dryer at home), and drink. I went home wasted enough to fall asleep. Which was my goal. I cried so much that evening, my eyelids had puffed up to resemble frog eyes. I looked a wreck. I felt a wreck. People stared, and I sat, not caring what they thought. Ready to put anyone in their place that crossed me.

I woke the next morning to the investigator calling me at 7 am. she was running me into the ground telling me how dissapointed she was and blah blah blah. She had the tone you would use talking to a little kid. I got mad, I started crying, I said, "I know i'm worthless, are you done running me to the ground? ill see you at court today" and I hung up. Later when she called I appologized, but said, there was no need to make me feel like that. I was getting ready for work and already looked like shit and didnt need to start crying already. I have a job working with the public, with puffy red eyes and tears running down my face. She apologized.

At court I got to see me kids in the hallway. It was emotional. The investigator was pissed that they were visiting with me now. Lots of stuff went on, but I'll shorten it. Their dads showed up, one of whom hasnt been found since my daughter was born. Say they want custody. Thats a laugh! They both have a record a mile long. I met a lot of people. Got an attorney, but waved my right to be silent and told the judge my side and begged him to return my babies. They didn't.

I went immediatley over to the children services for an hour visit with them. We cried and hugged and I tried to be positive and make them laugh and reassure them that everything would be ok. When the hour was over it was emotional again. My 13 yo hasn't hugged me in a long time, and last night she wouldnt let go.

I stopped and got them some more clothes, thought about drinking, and decided to wait. I took hygeine items for them and stopped at the dollar store to get each something. For Kylee a pretty beaded bracelet with a prayer card. And for Damon (he's 9) a horse that I thought would be good for him to play quietly with and know I was thinking of them.

After I dropped the stuff off, I went home, again thought about drinking but didn't. I knew I shouldnt and fought the urge. My day lasted from 7:30 to 11 at work, until 7 with everything else. And I went and drove aimlessly until 10:30 and I thought I was exhausted enough to go home and sleep. Which I did. It was lonely.