Improving myself

I am determined to improve many aspects of my life. I have always been a determined person. That is until the last few years. Lately, I've just given up and struggled along. Taking out my bitterness at undeserving people. As well as people who really need to crawl back in their hole. However, at my 30 year milestone. I have come to regret a lot of my actions and decisions. Also I have come to realize that I am not the person I have been acting like.

Often I blame my childhood for the way I am. (who doesn't?) Lots of my actions are attributed to the way I was raised and the things I endured. But, It's more what I've endured as an adult that's made me bitter. As beat down as I felt in my youth, I was always polite, used my manners, and cared about others, or at least acted like I cared about others feelings when I didn't.

I have a co-worker who will listen to me talk about my life relentlessly. She is a God send, really.
Whether she actually gives a shit or not, she acts like she does, and she acts like its interesting. She seems truly amazed by my experiences. Just because she listens, I continue to talk. Sharing these things with her has forced me to take a deeper look at many of my experiences. I have always known that how I grew up has made me who I am. But, I was confused between how I would/should be and how I am NOW.

I AM a strong, determined person, level headed and inteligent. I am self supporting. I am raising beautiful, inteligent, and creative children. All while taking care of a mother that I loathe. (Mom is a whole new blog entirely). Not to mention taking care of a 34(going of 17) year old BF and his 15 year old son. A home , a car, a truck, a camper, a..... well a lot. And its all paid for and all need repairs I will add. Except the people! (I'll be making lifetime payments on them I bet, and the repairs are not as easy!)

Who I have become in the last 5 years or so is needy, desperate, depressed, unwilling, sometimes unable, broken, lost, lonely, afraid, .........alcoholic. The alcohol is what has weakened me. The alcohol is what determines my mood, my friends, my reactions, and actions.

This is a stunning revolation for me. I already knew it I guess. But I have been too drunk to put it all together. Anyhow, while I am not yet ready to quit drinking, I can work on becomming who I would of been.

By reading this great blog called Zen Habits, I am learning that where I put my focus will determine what I achieve. My biggest problem is figuring out what to work on first. So I've been dappling with a few ideas. I will let you know how it goes.

By the way, I did not drink last night!

Last night was good....sorta

Nothing can be perfect right?
It started out great. I was off work, it was one of our first nice days of spring. I got home, the kids had already done homework. My boyfriends son (he's 15) was cleaning. REALLY cleaning! Pulling out the couches and cleaning under them. Rearranging the shoe pile, sweeping, the whole nine yards. Jason (my BF) had already done dishes and was out chopping wood when I got there. He remembered to get the ribs out to thaw because we were going to grill. I was almost on cloud nine. My wonderful family!!

I am the bread winner in the house. For years, I have struggled with my various live-in BF's that if I make the money, you are going to make the home! None really agree with that. And before you say anything.... yes they have all been losers. However I am a needy and insecure person, so I take who I can find. Back to last night...

Then it was gone. The happiness the sense of family. The feeling that everything might be alright. I know right where it started too. I opened that damned beer. Jason is an alchie too. He doesnt usually start until I do, and thats usually every or every other night. My mood changed. His mood changed.

Jason cooked the most wonderful dinner though, ribs were great, fried potatoes...... mmmm,mmmm. First time I haven't had to cook all winter. HA, triumph! I told him what a good meal he made, put the kids to bed, had a talk with Jason's son Cody about school.

Cody hasn't been in school for almost 7 months now. He is a troubled kid. He gets in fights and gets kicked out. Breaks the law and has been to juvey a few times. His mother doesn't want him, but she wont give him to us. So she gave him to Jasons mom who lives in TN. He came to visit us and hasn't left. So I brought up the issue of school. Cody refuses to go, Jason wont make him. He wants to do homeschooling. Jason agrees. Who pays for this? Me of course! I'm fine with that so long as Cody puts out the effort to actually educate himself. I want to do better for him that his family has. Did I mention his Grandma is on CRACK?

When I drink to excess, I get sleepy and go to bed. After all, I have to get up and go to work in the morning. When Jason drinks to excess, he gets stupid. Period. I wake up in the middle of the night with him looking for something. Tearing up the bedroom, lifting the mattress I'm trying to sleep on, asking where it is. I haven't figured out what "IT" is yet. When he see's that I'm not going to get up to help him, he storms out, and slams both the bedroom door(after falling up the steps) lol, and the front door.

When I got in my car to go to work this morning I saw my purse had been gone though, and the spare set of keys gone. Which I took in the first place because BOTH Cody and Jason had been driving while I'm gone. Neither of which have license. Neither of them have a vehicle.

Where does that leave me for tonight? Going home and asking why someone was in my purse? Tell him that he's and ass for acting like that? No, because he will make an excuse or get mad at me (though I never really know why). He doesn't take responsibility for anything. So, I'll just move through the night, wishing I didn't need a beer (or 12)to make it through another night.

Facts about me

I am excited to be starting my blog!! I, like many of you, love reading the inside of other peoples brains.
Let me start by giving you some concrete facts about little 'ole me...

• I grew up with an alcoholic father who died when I was 11.
• A schizophrenic mother, whom I take care of now.
• A sister who is both a pathological liar and a klepto. She's 10 years older.
• I was a "daddy's girl", he was a happy drunk.
• Our 2 acres of property growing up was a junk yard literally.
• I had my daughter at 17, my son at 21, and my 2nd son at 27.
• I placed my 2nd son in a loving home with a couple that I've since become very good friends with.
• I've never been married.
• I suffer from dysthymia. Or Borderline Personality Disorder. Or Manic depression. No one can seem to decide or agree over the last 12 years. I think its a combination.
• I am an alcoholic.
• I am an intelligent and witty person. (is that the same thing?)... not fact, but I'm told its true.
• I love arts, music, drawing, painting....

Well hate to cut off here, but I'm off the clock and need to go home.