Improving myself

I am determined to improve many aspects of my life. I have always been a determined person. That is until the last few years. Lately, I've just given up and struggled along. Taking out my bitterness at undeserving people. As well as people who really need to crawl back in their hole. However, at my 30 year milestone. I have come to regret a lot of my actions and decisions. Also I have come to realize that I am not the person I have been acting like.

Often I blame my childhood for the way I am. (who doesn't?) Lots of my actions are attributed to the way I was raised and the things I endured. But, It's more what I've endured as an adult that's made me bitter. As beat down as I felt in my youth, I was always polite, used my manners, and cared about others, or at least acted like I cared about others feelings when I didn't.

I have a co-worker who will listen to me talk about my life relentlessly. She is a God send, really.
Whether she actually gives a shit or not, she acts like she does, and she acts like its interesting. She seems truly amazed by my experiences. Just because she listens, I continue to talk. Sharing these things with her has forced me to take a deeper look at many of my experiences. I have always known that how I grew up has made me who I am. But, I was confused between how I would/should be and how I am NOW.

I AM a strong, determined person, level headed and inteligent. I am self supporting. I am raising beautiful, inteligent, and creative children. All while taking care of a mother that I loathe. (Mom is a whole new blog entirely). Not to mention taking care of a 34(going of 17) year old BF and his 15 year old son. A home , a car, a truck, a camper, a..... well a lot. And its all paid for and all need repairs I will add. Except the people! (I'll be making lifetime payments on them I bet, and the repairs are not as easy!)

Who I have become in the last 5 years or so is needy, desperate, depressed, unwilling, sometimes unable, broken, lost, lonely, afraid, .........alcoholic. The alcohol is what has weakened me. The alcohol is what determines my mood, my friends, my reactions, and actions.

This is a stunning revolation for me. I already knew it I guess. But I have been too drunk to put it all together. Anyhow, while I am not yet ready to quit drinking, I can work on becomming who I would of been.

By reading this great blog called Zen Habits, I am learning that where I put my focus will determine what I achieve. My biggest problem is figuring out what to work on first. So I've been dappling with a few ideas. I will let you know how it goes.

By the way, I did not drink last night!