A new beginning

On April 9th 2008, I got a call at work from Children services. They were at my house and were removing my children and wanted me home right away. Imagine my supprise. I didn't know why they were there, but I knew why they were taking them. I'll explain all that later.

I was outraged and scared. I thought for certain I would be going to jail that night. I wanted to take them and run. Or knock the shit out of the bitch taking them. When I got there a sence of imending doom and helplessnes came over me. I pleaded with her. I cried and hugged them. They packed a (very small) bag and were gone. In front of my neighbors. In front of God. In front of me.

How worthless and trashy I felt. How could I lose my kids? I am a good mother. I work everyday. I take care of the house. They have everything they need. Hell, they are pretty spoiled for a family below the "poverty line". I had scoffed at people that had lost their kids in the past. Thinking, they must be terrible people.... or trash, irresponsible, stupid... I mean COME ON PEOPLE... how hard is it to keep your kids!!!!

I was put in my place soon enough.

After I watched them pull away, waving till I couldn't see the car anymore, I jumped in my car and went for a 12 pack. Loaded up the car with laundry and proceeded to the laundo lux(I have a washer and dryer at home), and drink. I went home wasted enough to fall asleep. Which was my goal. I cried so much that evening, my eyelids had puffed up to resemble frog eyes. I looked a wreck. I felt a wreck. People stared, and I sat, not caring what they thought. Ready to put anyone in their place that crossed me.

I woke the next morning to the investigator calling me at 7 am. she was running me into the ground telling me how dissapointed she was and blah blah blah. She had the tone you would use talking to a little kid. I got mad, I started crying, I said, "I know i'm worthless, are you done running me to the ground? ill see you at court today" and I hung up. Later when she called I appologized, but said, there was no need to make me feel like that. I was getting ready for work and already looked like shit and didnt need to start crying already. I have a job working with the public, with puffy red eyes and tears running down my face. She apologized.

At court I got to see me kids in the hallway. It was emotional. The investigator was pissed that they were visiting with me now. Lots of stuff went on, but I'll shorten it. Their dads showed up, one of whom hasnt been found since my daughter was born. Say they want custody. Thats a laugh! They both have a record a mile long. I met a lot of people. Got an attorney, but waved my right to be silent and told the judge my side and begged him to return my babies. They didn't.

I went immediatley over to the children services for an hour visit with them. We cried and hugged and I tried to be positive and make them laugh and reassure them that everything would be ok. When the hour was over it was emotional again. My 13 yo hasn't hugged me in a long time, and last night she wouldnt let go.

I stopped and got them some more clothes, thought about drinking, and decided to wait. I took hygeine items for them and stopped at the dollar store to get each something. For Kylee a pretty beaded bracelet with a prayer card. And for Damon (he's 9) a horse that I thought would be good for him to play quietly with and know I was thinking of them.

After I dropped the stuff off, I went home, again thought about drinking but didn't. I knew I shouldnt and fought the urge. My day lasted from 7:30 to 11 at work, until 7 with everything else. And I went and drove aimlessly until 10:30 and I thought I was exhausted enough to go home and sleep. Which I did. It was lonely.