Making sense of my new roll

I'm starting to put myself back together. The first 5 days, I was a mess. Day 6-9 I am kind of lost. At first I didn't know what to do without my kids around. All I had ever done has been for my kids. Work, come home, do homework, make dinner, bedtimes, get up and do it all over. All while trying to fit in some fun activities. I never did understand how "soccer moms" had time for it all.

I have had the responsibility of children since I was 17. Now that all of a sudden I don't.... I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't made dinner since they have been gone. Low and behold I haven't had to clean either, because no one is there to mess it up! So I'm stuck, what do I do? I have to admit that I sometimes feel what I can only explain as freedom. Like a breath of fresh air. I know the kids are in a good place. I know that they are safe and happy, and I know that Holly and Allen are doing a better job with them than I have ever done. I feel.... relief.

All of a sudden now I have no responsibility. I have never known what this feels like. I have never had time to spend on myself, money to spend on myself, a house that didn't need cleaned everyday. There are less dishes, less laundry, less fighting, less.... well less everything.

So now I worry that this will spoil me. Will I know how to take care of them when they come home? Will I resent the "burden" they put on me? They are perfect angels at Holly's. Will they go back fighting about chores and homework with me?

In the meantime untill I figure out what I am supposed to do with myself, I am looking to better myself. Not drinking can only help. But, I have come to realize that I am going to need some meds for my back pain. When you stay drunk, you don't feel the pain. ( I have fractured tailbone, fused vertabrae, slipped disc, and a deteriorating neck.)

Maybe I can spend the evenings walking and get rid of this extra weight!