Wow, what now?

OK, yesterday was a learning experience. My thoughts are completely jumbled. I had a long heart to heart with Holly. She explained how she is in a hard place because I am her friend, and we have no secrets. However she has been given the responsibility of fostering my children and their best interest is her main concern. She has been talking with Kylee a lot. I am so relieved that Kylee found someone she can trust and tell all to, but WHOA!!! Hold the boat here.....



Holly laid shit on me last night that smacked me across the face and stopped my heart. Kylee doesn't want to come home. She has the same kind of love for me that I have for my mom. There was never anything there. I love her cause I "have" to. She says that I am a pretty good friend but not really a mother. She feels like I care more about her brothers than her. Kylee wants to stay with Holly forever she said. She said she likes being there and being part of a family. And having a Dad (Allen).



I know thats what my little girl has always wanted was a "nuclear family". I haven't been able to find it. All these years I was semi proud of myself for rising above. My mom and sister are mentally disturbed, my dad was an alcoholic, my life sucked growing up, I have been making adult decisions since I was 8 at least maybe younger. I know I didn't learn how to be a good mom. But I have been pretty damn proud of myself for surviving all that and being able to provide for my kids, and I was thrilled that I didn't "catch" the mental illness. I thought I was showing them responsibility by working everyday (not that I have a choice), paying bills and not spending frivolously and at the same time splurging on family outings occasionally. I was proud!!!



Until last night. What a smack in the face. She doesn't want to come home. All of it was for nothing. I didn't do good enough. I FAILED. I have felt it for years. I have been losing my daughter. She and I are lacking a bond. She basically has said that the only reason she wants to come home is because she is in love with Jasons son Cody. I found out that her and Cody has had sex. And that she wants to do whatever it takes to be with him. She is convinced that I will still have Jason around and that she will have access to Cody. And if I dont, she will run away, or make up stories so she can get out again.



Kylee doesn't like her brother much. She told Holly that she wants Damon to go home and she wants to stay. Holly said when Kylee knows I'm comming she turns into a completely different person. She gets mean with her brother. She gets an attitude and goes back to being sweet when I'm gone.



I thought Kylee was getting to the age that we could be "girls" together. Have great mother daughter time and boy was I misinformed! So what do I do now? Do I fight for her? We cant rebuild overnight what has taken years to ruin. At 13 she is not going to go through her teenage years and forgive me while she is confused and emotional. I dont think its too late to form a relationship with her. But I know that it is too late to raise her. I have already ruined her life and lost her. So do I let her go? I want her to be happy. I want her to have a chance. Do I fight for Damon? he and I have a bond. We get along and have fun together. When I have both together, its a chaotic mess. They act like they hate each other. They fight and compete over who is going to breath first!! How do I let Kylee go without her thinking I just dont want her. How do I take Damon back. How do I present that to children services without sounding like a total hateful bitch. Of course I want my little girl. But Kylee has made it clear that I haven't done good enough. I just want her to be happy. I want Damon to be happy.