Growing up

I have been absolutely sick the last few days. I am beginning to wonder if its bronchitis or pneumonia. I haven't been able to see the kids. I haven't been able to do anything! I go to work, come home and lay down.

Yesterday I saw my lawyer. She seems to thinks she can get the neglect charge dropped. And then I would plead guilty to the charge of dependant. Which means I drink to the point of intox in front of the kids. She said as long as I can complete all their requirements she can petition the court to get my kids back as early as next month. Yay!!!

Well I say yay but.... I just got off the phone with the kids, Its just like any other Saturday that I'm at work, they are fighting, crying, cussing, and hurting each other. I am instantly pissed. I ask where Allen was (Holly is at the store), he's outside. So I hang up and call Allen to let him know whats going on. My blood is still boiling! They are so mean and disrespectful its not even cool. My first thought is, I WANT A BEER!!! I know, all my fault right?

How do I fix what I obviously didn't know how to do in the first place?

Has just occurred to me, I haven't had a hard time not drinking since they have been gone. Those kids are a huge source of stress for me. Often times when I go get a beer, its because the kids are driving me crazy. I know its my fault. Obviously I didn't know how to raise them well enough to make them decent respectful people.

Lets go back to why that may be. I grew up with a crazy mom. Literally. She used to rock and shake her hands. She would scream at me like she were possessed and say "you have the devil in you kid" I spent most of my childhood wedged in between my mom and dad while they were pushing each other and shouting. This was nightly. I used to get sick to my stomach at the end of the school day because I knew I would have to go home. My mom called me all kinds of names. Whore, Bitch, Slut, she accused me of drinking and doing drugs and having sex (this started when I was 12). Where was I doing all this? School?
So my retaliation eventually was to go along with it. I would scream back, I f*cked the whole damn football team all while shooting up drugs and drinking straight from the keg. I got really nasty at times. Saying everything I could think of until she was speechless. That was the goal after all. Because she never stopped. She would wake me up in the middle of the night at 14 and tell me to go get her cigarettes!! OK.... There is more, but this is a blog, not a novel.

So I would drive into town, without license, and knock on friends doors until I could find someone that could get mom smokes. It was a breeze passing my driving exam by the way.

My dad died when I was 11 so I was stuck with that crazy witch all by myself. Now she stays with me and it eats me alive everyday! She has had a stroke since and doesn't remember any of it. So I'm stuck with an abusive past all by myself. She doesn't remember, she doesn't even believe she could have done those things. Therefor, we can't even work this out in counceling. Now I am taking care of her. The person who abused, neglected, failed to teach guide or love. She never even told me she loved me until I was 13, and that is because a buddy in the same grade as me sat down with us and said she was going to mediate a session. Bless her heart. Mom finally said it. What ever she said worked! As much as I hated that woman, I couldn't help but cry when I heard those words. Of couse things didn't get better from there. But that was a moment in a time when everything else is a blur.